Low Blows

There are few words that hit me like a ton of bricks.  

“How many kids do you have?”

How does one answer that when you have a daughter but also had a stillborn baby? Do you say 2, and hope that is the end of the conversation?  Do you deal with the guilt and just say one?  or Do you put it all out on the table and say 2 one here on earth and a beautiful angel in the sky.   I use a mixture of the 3 answers.  Usually just saying 2 and changing the subject quick.  Sometimes saying 1 and dealing with the instant heartache I feel like I have somehow betrayed Brayleigh.  The people who I think will understand I use the last answer.  One here on Earth and a beautiful angel in the sky.

“When are you having more?” “Wait til you have another.”

I did have more.  I went through almost 9 months of pregnancy, almost 9 months of planning for Lorelai’s little sister, building hopes and dreams,  and a c-section.  I just didn’t get to bring home a baby.  But I had another daughter.  A daughter who was too special for Earth.  A daughter who will always watch over us.  

“Lorelai is so outgoing, wonder what your next will be like?”

You have no idea how much I wonder what my next one would of been like.  Yes I have already had my next.  She was born sleeping.  I didn’t get to see what color eyes she had.  I didn’t get to see what kind of personality she would of had.  

 “Wait til she has a little brother/sister to play with and take care of.”

Lorelai does have a little sister.  One that she understands was here with us for a short period of time.  She understands that Brayleigh is in Heaven and watches over her.  What she doesn’t understand is that her little sister is not here with her everyday like all of her friend’s siblings.  I see her take care and play with her baby dolls.  She would of taken really good care of Brayleigh.  I would give anything to have Brayleigh here to for Lorelai to play with and help me take care of her.  

I know I can not expect everyone to know/assume/understand our situation.  I do however want more people to understand that every 1 in 4 women will suffer a pregnancy loss.  Please help us Break the Silence.  More people need to know that this is more common then you would think.  

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2 responses to “Low Blows

  1. I hate the question of “how many children do you have” and avoid it at costs. I always have the answer prepared in my mind the way I would like to say it, but it always comes out so differently. I didn’t get to see what color eyes Kyleigh had either and I regret not asking a nurse to find out for me. I wish I had seen her eyes. Blessings to you as you continue to share Brayleigh’s story.

  2. Pingback: How Many? | Kyleigh's Gift

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